It is unfortunate that I was not able to breastfeed Toyang. I really felt bad about it that I cried about it for weeks. At one point I thought that I had experienced postpartum depression and that these were one of the reasons for them. I worried about not being able to breastfeed because we are already struggling financially, and this is an additional financial burden for us.
I felt it was a combination of several factors that is why I was unable to breastfeed. But the main reason why we were not successful at breastfeeding is that Toyang was not able to latch on me. I got hurt when I heard a comment that "wala akong tiyaga" (I had no perseverance). And whenever I remember that I always felt guilty and sad. God knows we (my husband and I) did all we can so that I could breastfeed. While I originally intended to breastfeed, I admit that breastfeeding was something that I really did not prepare for. I thought it was a natural thing I did not think it will be difficult. Maybe there was something that we did wrong or we did not do. Maybe because I did not get enough support. Maybe because I did not have time because I had other concerns to attend to. I had to go back to work one month after giving birth because I had to earn money.
It took a while before I was able to accept that this is the reality for us. A mommy friend had told me not to beat myself up on it, that I should find joy in taking care of my baby regardless of whatever milk she gets. These words have comforted me in those times that I cried over not being able to breastfeed. With regards to finances, thankfully my husband and I are still able to make ends meet. God provides! Ultimately, what I really wanted is for Toyang to be a happy and healthy baby, and so far she has been so :)